"I realized I didn't know anything"

About 4am this morning, my 'problem' patient walked out of his room. He came up to the nursing station and just started chatting with me. This was not a norm for him. He had been pretty uncooperative and not very friendly, but something changed this morning and he decided he wanted to talk. So we talked. He explained his history of medical problems and how he has let his health get so bad. He said after his wife died earlier this year it just went down hill from there. "This fall we would have been celebrating 47 years of marriage" he said. He looked so sad when he said that, so trying to lighten the mood a bit i asked "so what was the secret to a 47 year marriage?"

He said, "she had me covered." I didn't really understand what that meant and i'm sure my puzzled facial expression gave me away, so he went on to explain. He started by telling he me that he would ask her to do something and she would just smile and say "yes dear" and he said as soon as he turned his back she was doing whatever she wanted. As he told me this, he started to laugh. He went on to tell me that she woke up everyday at 5:00am, made his breakfast, set out his clothes, made his lunch, had a thermos of hot coffee ready for him when he was leaving for work, and walked him out to his car to say goodbye. She did this everyday...what a saint! He started to laugh again and said, "after about 35 years of her doing this, i started to wonder why she did that for me everyday. Was it because she just loved me that much or was she just making sure i was really going off to work everyday? Well, whatever it was, i sure did appreciate it. She was amazing." This made me smile. He was this big gruff man, who still wore his wedding band, and in front of my eyes he turned into a big softy, and only thoughts of the love of his life could do that.

He talked about how in the last 6 months of her life she was in the hospital for almost 6 months straight, and he was there everyday. "It was hard" he said because his health was also not the best at the time and it was hard to see her suffer, "but i couldn't not be there for her." Because his health was deteriorating so quickly since her death, I tried to encourage him to start living a healthier life and eating better, and try to impress his wife while she's looking down on his with his new found cooking skills. He said he would give it a shot.

He looked up at me at the end of our conversation and said, "the day she died was the saddest day of my life, but not just for the obvious reason. After she died, I realized I didn't know anything. I had never written a check, paid a bill, gone grocery shopping or to the bank. I really didn't know anything and I realized that she did everything. I would never be able to tell her how thankful I was for everything she did for me and for us. I gained so much more respect for her after she was gone and wish I could have just told her."
Im sure she knew.

I don't know what bit of advice I can offer from this. It was just a great story and I wanted to share it. Maybe what you can take from it is to step back and look at everything the people in your life do for you without expecting a thank you or anything else in return. Recognize it, thank them anyway, and let them know how much you appreciate them.

Good luck in love.

If you have asked the question recently, "so what's the secret?" Please feel free to share.

"Get married already"

One of my patients once told me to, "get married already and start a family." He was a gentleman dying of cancer and was one of those people who was very unhappy and pissed off at everything. After spending a little time talking to this gentleman, I realized he was just upset about lack of time. He explained to me he has had a great life and had great kids. His wife died, his children were in different states and he was alone. He was dying and he was alone. When people are lonely all they really want is to talk to someone and for that person to actually HEAR them. The reason they get angry and bitter is because they realize no one is willing to talk and no one really cares. So I decided to talk. All it took was a few questions and he was totally opening up to me and all his walls came down. It was a great thing. He asked me how old I was and after telling him he told me, "to start a family soon...when you're 71 and dying you are going to wish you had started sooner and had a few more years with your family." He explained those early years with his wife and his kids growing up were the happiest times in his life, and he wished the same happiness for me.

As I've made perfectly clear through previous blogs, marriage is a little scary. How am I supposed to hurry up and start a family already if I don't quite believe in marriage yet? Ugh...how frustrating right?! I posted something similar to this on facebook after he had said this to me, and someone responded with, "nah...traveling is way better." Traveling is amazing. I love traveling. But my response to him was something along the lines of, "I'm sure my Great Wall of China souvenir will offer me great support when i'm on my death bed." If all I do is travel for the rest of my life and don't settle down, what will I have in the end? Just a shelf full of souvenirs and some great memories with people who aren't there. I'm sure in my travels I would meet great people, but those people would be dispersed all through out the world and where would they be if I really needed someone? Everyone in my life seems to think its one or the other. Travel or get married. Why can't you just find someone to travel with? Not just to be my husband, but my travel buddy. What a perfect combination. Marriage does not equal death. Find someone who loves doing the things you do (or at least is open to doing them with you) and someone who will inspire you to branch out and try new things as well. Then "get married and start a family already." I don't want to be sitting there later in life thinking I wish I didn't wait until 35 to settle down and start a family. I guess you just have to make sure its right, do what makes you happy, and hope for the best.

To some of the nurses reading this (this doesn't pertain to every nurse obviously...just a few and maybe just a reminder for others)...
I realize nursing may have been your backup plan or a means to gain some stability in your life, but understand you are taking care of PEOPLE. I LOVE what I do and because I love it I pay attention. I pay attention to all of those nurses who complain about their patients being "annoying" or "needy" or whatever. They are patients. They are freaking out. Thats why we have a job...to make them more comfortable. If you have a difficult patient, take some time with them. Its amazing what taking 10 extra minutes with someone upon the initial assessment will do for the rest of your day/night. I had a patient the other day who was constantly on her call light, anxious as anything, and annoying the crap out of the day nurse. I recognized it was just anxiety, went into her room, spent a little extra time with her, EXPLAINED everything to her (which the day nurse had failed to do, even after hanging a new IV medication), and she calmed right down. Her whole demeanor changed, just as my patient mentioned above. She stopped hyperventilating, her blurred vision went away, and her "neediness" level went down to a 1/10. Her hospital stay went from an awful one, to one that was a little more tolerable. Her level of commitment to her healing process went from virtually nothing and feeling like she couldn't do anything, to feeling so much better about herself and getting motivated to get out of there.
Sorry about my little rant...but its just something i've noticed that has been a source of frustration for me and i wanted to share.

Thanks for joining me in my journey to figure this part of life out.

Good luck in love.

Seeing the future

So I'm going to venture away from the advice from my patients....

As a nurse, I feel like I have a looking glass into the future everyday I walk into the hospital. I get to see people from every walk of life. People who probably had a life similar to mine when they were 24. Through my experience I have learned one major thing:

Always put your partner first (after yourself of course).

When I walk into my patients room, the person I see curled up sleeping in the uncomfortable reclining chair next to my patient is their husband or wife. They put themselves through hell just to be there next to you. They don't get great sleep, they are worried sick, and ultimately are putting their own health at risk...for you. Your partner is going to be the person sitting with you day in and day out in the hospital when you are old.

In marriage/family it is understandable to want to put your children first, but what i'd like you to take into consideration is the word "family". A family (traditionally) means two partners with or without children. If you have children and you and your spouse don't put each other first, the family that you have been building will be gone. Also, in the end your children will be grown up, have a family of their own to take care of, and can't be there 24/7 like your husband or wife.

Then there are those who people put their friends before their spouse. I'm 24 so maybe this is something I'm seeing because I'm younger. When you're 80 years old and laying in that hospital, it probably won't be your friends by your side either...it will be your husband or your wife. Friends MAY pop in for a visit for an hour out of the 7 day stretch you were in the hospital, but they too have families of their own to take care of.

Earlier in this post, I wrote to always put your spouse first and in parenthesis "after yourself of course." But there are times when you have to put that other person first. You have to learn in a relationship to be a little less selfish and a little more selfless. Life is a balancing act and so is love. I believe to find a long lasting happy marriage there has to be this perfect balance that seems to be so hard to acheive. You have to take some you time, but you also have to take the time to make your spouse feel special and feel loved also. You have to learn to GIVE and take. Its very easy to take love and support and time from someone you love, but i'm finding its harder for some people to give. If you are one of those people, learn to give a little. Giving a little will go a long way in the end. It may not be in your nature, but if you love your partner try and make a habit out of it for their sake and for the relationship. Those I see celebrating their 50th anniversary have found that perfect balance. I'm sure it wasn't easy, but I'm sure it was worth it.

You and your spouse have to be each others rock of support. I hope everyone can take a step back and realize exactly what that person is to you and what they can be. Friends come and go. Children get families of their own. Life happens. Make your life about the person you fell in love with. They are the most important person in your life.

Good luck in love.