"I realized I didn't know anything"

About 4am this morning, my 'problem' patient walked out of his room. He came up to the nursing station and just started chatting with me. This was not a norm for him. He had been pretty uncooperative and not very friendly, but something changed this morning and he decided he wanted to talk. So we talked. He explained his history of medical problems and how he has let his health get so bad. He said after his wife died earlier this year it just went down hill from there. "This fall we would have been celebrating 47 years of marriage" he said. He looked so sad when he said that, so trying to lighten the mood a bit i asked "so what was the secret to a 47 year marriage?"

He said, "she had me covered." I didn't really understand what that meant and i'm sure my puzzled facial expression gave me away, so he went on to explain. He started by telling he me that he would ask her to do something and she would just smile and say "yes dear" and he said as soon as he turned his back she was doing whatever she wanted. As he told me this, he started to laugh. He went on to tell me that she woke up everyday at 5:00am, made his breakfast, set out his clothes, made his lunch, had a thermos of hot coffee ready for him when he was leaving for work, and walked him out to his car to say goodbye. She did this everyday...what a saint! He started to laugh again and said, "after about 35 years of her doing this, i started to wonder why she did that for me everyday. Was it because she just loved me that much or was she just making sure i was really going off to work everyday? Well, whatever it was, i sure did appreciate it. She was amazing." This made me smile. He was this big gruff man, who still wore his wedding band, and in front of my eyes he turned into a big softy, and only thoughts of the love of his life could do that.

He talked about how in the last 6 months of her life she was in the hospital for almost 6 months straight, and he was there everyday. "It was hard" he said because his health was also not the best at the time and it was hard to see her suffer, "but i couldn't not be there for her." Because his health was deteriorating so quickly since her death, I tried to encourage him to start living a healthier life and eating better, and try to impress his wife while she's looking down on his with his new found cooking skills. He said he would give it a shot.

He looked up at me at the end of our conversation and said, "the day she died was the saddest day of my life, but not just for the obvious reason. After she died, I realized I didn't know anything. I had never written a check, paid a bill, gone grocery shopping or to the bank. I really didn't know anything and I realized that she did everything. I would never be able to tell her how thankful I was for everything she did for me and for us. I gained so much more respect for her after she was gone and wish I could have just told her."
Im sure she knew.

I don't know what bit of advice I can offer from this. It was just a great story and I wanted to share it. Maybe what you can take from it is to step back and look at everything the people in your life do for you without expecting a thank you or anything else in return. Recognize it, thank them anyway, and let them know how much you appreciate them.

Good luck in love.

If you have asked the question recently, "so what's the secret?" Please feel free to share.

Best Friends

"So whats the secret?" I've asked this to plenty of patients, and probably 75% of the people I've asked said, "I married my best friend." Is that where people go wrong now? They don't develop a great friendship before entering into a committed relationship?

I have been lucky, and although I can only count my best friends on one hand, they are amazing friends...all girls but oh well. In the last 6.5 years, I have lived with three out of my five best friends and there is NO way I could have done (and am still doing) that if they weren't truly my best friends. I lived with Nicole for four years, Arin (current roommate) for over 5 years, and Kacy (also current roommate) for almost two years. People say be careful because living with friends can ruin your friendship. This is probably true for people who aren't best friends. People who know everything about each other and love them despite all their flaws are best friends. That's what makes a successful friendship and one that will last a lifetime. We may drive each other crazy sometimes but at the end of the day we still love each other. The hreason I'm explaining this is because it applies in relationships as well...or at least i think so.

Think about it. Apply your experiences living with friends to living with your partner. Those people who were just kinda friends probably didn't work out so well, but those you truly loved worked out well. I can come home after a bad day and know i have two pairs of ears that would sit down and listen. This is what i want from my partner. The same friendship I share with my best friends, but not in a female form haha. You have to be able to support, listen, trust, and encourage each other to be the best possible version of yourselves or it just doesn't seem like it would work.

People say that after their kids have grown up and moved away they have nothing in common with their spouse anymore. What happened? Why don't you have anything left to talk about? Is it because you let the friendship go? You both started working towards one common goal, that is the raising of your children, you forgot about the couple.

You have to put work into any friendship to make it work, so why do people give up so easily on their most important friendship? What is going on? The saying 'bros before hoes' and 'chicks before dicks' may have applied in middle school or high school but when it comes to your partner, the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with, there is no one else who should come before them. I find it ridiculous that I actually hear those sayings come out of a grown adult's mouth. I'm serious. Yes your friendships are important, but don't dismiss your friendship with your partner because your guy or girl friends are putting pressure on you. In the end, yor partner is your family and your number one. There is no choice...you should chose your partner everytime.

Again, its all about balance. Balancing your relationship with your spouse with other friendships, work and school is difficult, but I'm seeing from these people I'm talking to that it's worth it. It seems to me that where people are going wrong now-a-days is they have their life and their spouse has his or her own life and they are trying to kinda join the two without them totally overlapping. When you get married, it goes from his life and her life to OUR life. You have to consider that person if everything you do.

As i'm going through this analysis of marriage and trying to understand it, it seems to be moving further and further away from something that is actually possible. Hmmm...i don't know. Is this making sense to anyone? Am i totally off track here?

Good luck in love.

"Raising Men"

Something funny I've noticed...
When I ask women this question, they always make a joke about it. They'll say things like, "Finding the strength not to kill him" or "Oh I don't know, no secret really". They never give me a straight or serious answer.

But the men do. The men who have answered this question love their wives. Every time they answer that question this look goes over their face that's hard to describe and so heart warming. Its a mix between respect, love, and happiness. Its the best facial expression I've ever seen. I want someone to talk about me the way these men talk about their wives. The men are always a little taken back at first that I asked the question, they think about it for a second, and get that look on their face when they start to answer.

There was a man who long story short...couldn't talk. He was my only patient for the night and we sat up all night talking...well he would write and I would talk. He was probably the sweetest man I have ever met. We chatted about lots of things. Then he asked me if I had a boyfriend, and at the time I did so I told him yes. He told me to not settle. He told me that I deserve the best. I've heard this from a lot of people, but it meant so much coming from him. Since we were on the topic of relationships, I asked him, "So whats the secret?" He didn't answer exactly how I had expected. He told me that all men are idiots. Men are children in larger bodies. They don't know whats good for them, even if the best thing they will ever have is standing right in front of their faces. He wrote that when I get married, or finally meet the person I pick to spend the rest of my life with, that I need to "raise him". He said that I need to teach him how to really be a man, because like he said before...all men are idiots. It was funny that he was able to admit it. He said it took a few years of "raising" by his wife and quite a few mistakes and arguments, but he finally got it. He finally grew up. So maybe his secret was patience. In my, and whoever else may be reading this, learning process, I hope that we all learn a little bit of patience for our significant other. We all screw up, so learn to be patient with them while they figure it out. I imagine its not easy, but seeing the look on these mens' faces I know they think it was worth it and i'm sure their wives did too.

Back to the wives..that don't give me any answers. I don't know why they never give me a straight answer. Is it because women just naturally take care of their families and that to us its just natural to love unconditionally? Is it unnatural to men and that's why my patient told me he needed to have his wife "raise" him? Hmmm what do you think?


Best of luck in love

So Whats the Secret?

Being a nurse, I come into contact with a lot of elderly people who have had long-lasting, loving relationships. When I meet these people I always ask the same question, "So whats the secret?" Whats the secret to a long, loving relationship? Whether these people have been married for 20 years or 50 years, or if their spouse is alive or has already passed on...they all have something beautiful and unique to say.

I ask this question because I feel like something is wrong with relationships today. I feel like as a 24 year old woman in this society, I, too, don't have a lot of respect for marriage. I ask this question because I want to learn what it takes to have the kind of relationship that someone one day will ask me, "So whats the secret?" Even though I had an amazing role model for marriage, that is my parents marriage, I still have lost faith in marriage. We don't seem to have the same respect for our significant others that those of past generations have. It seems people just give up and think divorce is the sure fire way to fix everything. But is it really just a problem for todays generation? Is it because women today are finally able to support themselves and a family without the help of a man? Were our grandmothers or mothers miserable but couldn't divorce because of the financial strain it would cause? I hope not. I hope they stayed together because they loved each other and worked through the hard times so they could get back to the good times.

One of my favorite patients was an elderly man whose wife had passed away a few years back. He was very friendly and charismatic, but also seemed so lonely. He told me of he and his wife's adventures in France during the war. He told me what an amazing and independent woman she was. So I asked him, "So whats the secret?" He proceeded to tell me they had made a promise before they got married to never fight about money. "Money or lack there of can cause a lot of problems" he told me. I completely understood. I understand what it is to be stressed about money and if you point blame at each other or fight about who spent what, it will just get petty. So if you're reading this and you're in a relationship, married, or just dating around...take this man's advice. Promise never to fight about money.

Please share your "So whats the secret?" stories. Or if you're one of those lucky people who have a long lasting marriage, please share your secret.

I look forward to sharing what my patients have to say.